If I didn’t know better, I’d say it has it out for me. A kitchen can’t have it out for someone, right? And besides, what have I ever done to it besides fill it with good smells (except for that one horrible curry fish dish that we’ve sworn to never speak of again) and keep its floors clean?
We already know that I am surrounded by some sort of force field that causes food to fall on the floor, dishes to fall out of cupboards and water to spew uncontrollably from faucets and leak out of appliances whenever I walk into the room. But tonight, this abnormal activity escalated.
We had pepperoni chicken with bow-tie pasta and broccoli. The recipe dictated that the raw chicken breasts be cut in half and then pounded thin. I got out my wooden mallet and started hammering away. It gave me the usual trouble of attempting to crawl out of the plastic wrap with every thump, but other than that, it was going well. Until all of a sudden I realized that the head of said mallet was whistling past my head en route to thudding off the ceiling.
From there, the sauce bubbled over and splattered everything within 3 feet, the sink stopped up with nasty water and wouldn’t drain, and finally, the piece de resistance; I reached to take a plate out of the drain board, and before I knew it, my biggest sharpest chef’s knife hops out of the sink and lands an inch from my sock foot.
Steve walks in to a what appears to be a murder scene without a victim, a swearing wife, and, by no small miracle, a very good dinner.
I’m kind of glad that leftovers are on the menu for a few days. I think my kitchen and I need a break from one another.